This weeks weather.............

      We have had some pretty crazy weather here in CT. last week we were down  to -4 in the am and never got above 20 degrees.  Beginning of this week we had early dismissal and late to school due to freezing rain  snow and ice.  Yesterday big rain storm with temps in in the 50's and today the wind is whipping  its 47 degrees blue sky and the clouds churning  around and around.  Mother nature does not know what to do with the weather.  I can't wait to see what the ground hog says on Saturday..  I am voting for 6 weeks till SUMMER. not spring....Some days the weather can make or break you. The weather is kind of like my emotions lately, Some days are dark cold and dreary, others it is a beautiful ray of shine crisp and amazing.  I am so thankful to my husband, my girls, family, friends and God. 

     Reflecting on today it was a tough day just so thankful for everything I have and so sad about the one thing I do not have.  I took this picture today when I went  to bring a beautiful butterfly stepping stone  to Nicole's  grave. Although she is not there I took some time took  visit and just be in the moment.   Then as I was leaving the sunshine was so beautiful and the twirling clouds I snapped this picture I found it amazing.

         I was visiting and amazing friend last night TK I love her, her energy is radiating. we had some great conversation and she read my angel cards  it was a great night. She has taught me so much over the years and when I thanked her for that she said she didn't do anything  it was that I chose to listen and use what she taught me.   Today I wake up I am so blessed. It is a new day and  I remembered my reading  Sleep- so important I will get messages when I sleep, Retreat-  get to who I am   getting to know the inner me,  Steady Progress ( St Theresa) - sometimes things may not always go the way you want them do not  get mad at yourself move on and let it go,  Be Brave-  need I say more, Emotions ( St Dymphna)-  she will help  guide me through my emotions  and the last Angel card that I had to choose was HEAVEN  is watching over me.    It was a fun reading. I keep saying this  be open to the signs they are there.  

I am so Blessed, Guided and Protected. Thank You GOD.  

Books I have read and liked........

     My mind is pretty much mush.  I can retain a lot up in the noggin of mine.  Retaining what I read always doesn't work since the summer. I have read many books and they either make me fall fast asleep or don't hold my interest at all. 

     The  two books   that have really stuck out and I have connected with are A Mothers Journey of Love Loss and Life Beyond.  by Jennifer Scalice   The book is about a mother's journey after she losses her 12 year old in an ATV accident in Costa Rica on a family vacation. I found myself finishing her sentences.  I have been in contact with her and it helps.  She is also on the site Concerned Parents of ATV Safety.   

       The second book is Heaven is  for Real amazing book of a boy who was having an operation and died on the table and tells of his first hand experience of traveling to Heaven.   

Two really good reads..

 

Tribute to my baby

My day was a normal day and then I remembered I have an appointment.  I didn't cancel  48 hours prior to getting the tattoo so 1245 I take off to Body Graphic to meet Gypsy. I called a week ago and told the woman I wanted to do angel wings in memorial of my daughter who I lost 6 months ago. 

 She shows me some pictures of wings and I loved the one with the folded wings that make a heart.  people ask if it hurt.  not much she did the outline first and then the green coloring began.  the color felt like scratching over a sunburn patch of skin.  before I left this is the picture she took as you are to keep it covered for  about 6 hours then you can remove the bandage.   wow my arm was swollen.  Motrin here I come.  I woke up this am and it wasn't bad at all less swollen and feels like a sunburn. 

I am so happy with it.  I always wanted a tattoo of the girls names around my ankle or wrist never  would i have thought  that I would be getting my first tattoo to celebrate my daughters life of only 15 years.  I love it, it makes me smile and cry all at the same time. Love you baby girl

Its Friday and it is cold..............

I found this passage from a site on FB called Spiritual Awakenings ॐ. 

 I agree and the Higher Power is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  

If ever you wake up in the morning and think to yourself that life is not going the way that you planned and is much harder than you think you can handle, remember that our lives have been created by a power far greater than you and I. A power that can see the entire picture, not just today, and knows what is best for us, whether WE think so or not. Know that we are never handed anything that we can't handle. We must have faith that everything is precisely how it should be, at this given moment, right where we are. If you're ever in a place where you feel lost and confused, ask the Universe for guidance, and open yourself up to receiving the signs. We're on a learning journey... Do not fret over the things you should have done and wished were different. You are exactly where you should be.

I love the part about opening your self up to the universe the energy we have all around us. Positive energy is what we need  and the faith in our Lord that yes we are all on a journey. No one set out that day or any day to do bad or to have bad happen. God did not do this he is here to help pick us up.  If I did not have the signs and my faith I would not be able to get up in the morning.  The two pictures I chose  from this blog are on a afternoon when it was getting colder, we were all inside and I looked out the back window the sky was a dark grey Emily and I ran outside phone cameras in hand and yelled for Rick and Rachel.   AS we were looking over in the orchard in the West a beautiful sunset and I turn around and Emily and I were amazed a rainbow in the East. The sky was just magnificent . The beauty the signs that she is ok we are ok and she is with us in spirit.  There is so much more out there and we will be together again. not sure when but we will. For now I love the signs and the beautiful skies in the morning or at night.  We looked at them before in aw of a beautiful God and what he created it is just more special now to take it all in. Breathe remember the good times,  Celebrate the life and Love of  our daughter taken all to soon and to be thankful of all our blessings.  

Six Month today ......

     It has been six months today, that I got the call. It seems like it was yesterday. In the beginning every monday hurt a little more around 840pm. Now the 23rd  of each month takes on a whole new life. I didn't think I could get through one day, one month and now 6 months. Sometimes I still feel like I am in a dream, a fog in someone else's life, then the alarm goes off the sun comes up and reality sets in.  Every morning I would open my eyes and it felt like a knife stabbing my heart and ripping  it into two. My heart would break and I would be in shock all over again.( If you ever have seen the movie Groundhogs day that is what it was like) Today I wake up and the knife still pierces  my heart. It seems more gentle now. I know it  will never go away.  You just learn to live your life around the piercing.   I know it is real and I get it but there are days that I think she is out with friends  or at the mall and she will be coming home later in the day and I think she will come walking around the corner to tell me about her day.  It is so hard I feel her spirit with me all the time I know she is with us all.  From the moment we got the news I knew  that Jesus came down to get her and  as soon as she was comfortable and realized where she was. She got very busy.  I miss her here physically on earth. I know she is here in spirit. I can feel her and  celebrate the time we did have with her. 

     Another memory I have is that when the girls  get ready to go to school in the morning they come through my room. If I am not working I usually stay in bed till the last possible minute and N, R or E would  walk through my room. Hi Mom, I need lunch money, can I stay after school and the classic does this look OK?   I would sometimes say that; Is that what you are wearing today to school.   Dressed up or dressed down the Weed children always look great.  My three beautiful girls. I so remember the last day we went to church Nicole was so happy in her purple tank top she straightened her hair and was on top of the world. It does not seem real, but then reality sets in.  The pain does not go away you just learn to live with it. WE have got through  6 months  I can't even think about 1 year , 6 years 60 years you will always be my 15 year old beautiful baby girl gone to soon.  I love you baby girl.

I am thankful for the time we had and all the memories. I am thankful for  R and E and my husband Rick. Each day brings up closer. 

SIGNS

      This is just such a beautiful picture. We talk of signs and we have had so many, One day my friend Katy was visiting Nicole's grave, as she was leaving she saw a beautiful view in the sky so she got out of her car and took a picture.  As she was on one side of town my husband had called me from his walk in the orchard and said look at the sky isn't it beautiful how the rays of sun were  shining down on us.  So I am in another town I look up blinded by the light because that is not what I saw there were not a clouds.  I came home Katy had sent me this picture my husband sees it the next day and says that is what I was describing to you. who took that picture he said.       If you look close at the top of the trees where the sun rays are coming through the clouds you can see angel wings some say it looks like a butterfly.  It is a sign she was with us that night and she is OK in a beautiful place called Heaven.   So many signs come from the Heavens be open and just watch for them they come to us.    Love you Nic      

Art Therapy

Mandala

R and E made memory boxes

        When this all happens in the back on my mind I did not know what to do, where to go and how or what kind a therapy to do. What should I do for the children. Do  they need therapy?  A little voice in my head said Art therapy at SFHMC through integrated medicine. I called and we were in. It was such a help to use during this time. R,E and myself went and we were able to talk about our feeling it was so good.  the first time we went the girls did memory boxes I did a healing circle called a mandala.  I chose to have a dragon fly and a butterfly in my picture.  It reminds me of the day of Nicole's funeral, I was at the cemetery everyone was in the car I said my last good byes to my baby girl. I so not know how I did it it was so hard to so. As I was standing looking at her casket  one side there was a dragon fly and a butterfly on the other side.   As I saw the both of these fly by I felt my Nicole and knew again she was in a better place. It was a sign. We have to  watch out for signs they help you through the journey. The more I thought why the two I know E does not like butterflies so  It has to be one for R and one for E.  I looked up what they both symbolized and it was so meaningful.

Our angel watching over the 4 hearts

E made Mariah a picture

       The Butterfly is a known for transition and change, symbolizing our soul. A butterfly's life span is about a month, and in that short amount of time they go from a caterpillar to a Butterfly. The butterfly spends its entire life changing and adapting. It first learns how to crawl, then it learns how to fly.Its is said, when a butterfly crosses your path your life is going to change. It may be the simplest change, or a monumental change.... but it is there to let you know that you are transitioning.  Historically, dragonfly symbolism was used in love spells and to bring good luck. Today, it is more commonly used to help one let go of the past, assist in transforming one’s life and understanding dreams.
      Art  therapy  has been wonderful  the girls graduated and have not gone but both have said how much it helped them. I still go  by myself. LG is a kind and wonderful woman who has helped me in so many ways. I am blessed that she  was put in my life to help me and my family through this journey.  Its not easy but to work some emotions out through art is the most wonderful experience. It will be with me forever. We did a mask in therapy on how we were feeling on the inside and on the outside.  my inside looks like a witch doctor/tiger  my emotions are always on a roller coaster.  on the outside I like my colors  a lot circling in my mind and putting on a happy face.  Each day brings different feelings. I try to stay strong you just never know what will set you off or make you think of memories.   If I have a bad one I try to bring it around and do some deep breathing to get back and bring it to the good memories because I have 15 years of great ones.  Sometimes it is harder then others but it gets  little easier each time/    

e is on the left mine in the middle and r on the right

dragonfly 

John Chapter 11:25-26

This morning I was thinking about Nicole's confirmation verse. It is something that has been with us and a little helpful knowing that Nicole lived by this verse. Pastor prayed and gave each child in her class their own Bible verse. Nicole was very proud of her verse. Some days I think why did her give it to her, did everyone have something to do with having eternal life.  I am not sure but it is hers and it is a good one. 

 John Chapter 11:25-26  Jesus said to her "I am the resurrection and the life.  The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and who ever lives by believing in me will never die. And will have eternal life."

We as a family proudly display her Bible verse in the living room on the wall. She also had this in a frame in her room on her dresser. Something she looked at daily and lived by daily. So when we had to pick out Nicole's  headstone our family thought that it would be best if we had the whole verse on the stone. It is a great message to learn and live by.  Knowing she believed in this and lived it helps me to know that she is with Jesus and she is OK and we will be reunited with her in time.  Not sure when but we will meet again.  She is with us in spirit everyday, we celebrate her life, What 15 year old has a funeral service where her Pastor knows her well. My sweet baby girl you will live on through us,  you have eternal life.   We love you.

The Rocks in my life........

So today is Friday I am feeling blessed today by all the things that I have in my life, and for the ROCKS that I have in my life.  By  ROCKS I mean all the people that have been there for me through this journey. The  past six months have had its ups and downs. Some days are harder then others.  Today started off great, I brought E to school early she is a rock,  truly a great kid and knows just what to do for her momma when I am feeling down. She is caring and loving, and a beautiful girl.  Rachel  my  darling  she is so special too, she  also knows when I am blue and feeling down. She knows just what to do to pick me up.  They are just growing up so fast, and I love them so much they are the best kids a mom could ask for.(N, R and E I love you up to the moon and back again around the world and back again.)  Rick you are my main ROCK we are getting through this together I love you  more then words can even  say.  Thank you for being you.

      As I was cleaning the house this morning I got to have a great conservation with my sister in law. Lisa  and I tease people and say that I married  her brother just to have her to be my sister,   this of course in not true, but she is my sister  she was here through everything.  When I was at the hospital I called Rick and  then her and I was able to be  on  the phone with her while I was with Nicole in the trauma room.  So thankful there was cell reception there.  As I talked to Nicole and told her how much we loved her and that she was with Jesus I could feel her wrapped around me.  Lisa  was with me.  She was here in CT the next day, we have gone through a lot,  5 years before the loss of her marriage and divorce, we got close.  We are truly put into each others lives for reasons. I love her so much and so  blessed to have had her here with me. We have had a  a few top ten days together, the waves at the Cape and  this summers family vacation just 2 weeks before the accident.  This was not in our top ten days but as one of my ROCKS we are making it through.  Knowing that Nicole will always be 15  never no pain and only know LOVE> from all the rocks that were in her life.

       Rhiannon and Anne they came out of no where and showed up to be with me during this time also. I do not know what I would have done without them.  They just knew what to do and what to say and  were so good for my girls.  I can never repay you guys.  All the things you  did for our family, and still do.  the laughter and tears we have shared.
     
    Today I was able to  be with more ROCKS I had lunch with the best bunch of ROCKS/Friends that just are there to listen and be with, you guys are great.  two and half hours went by like ten minutes.  Thank you for being there for me.
 
      I would love  to thank all the ROCKS in my life that have got me through and I don't want to leave anyone out,  but this post would be about 1000 pages long. My first and biggest ROCK is our Lord Jesus Christ. If I did not have him I do not know where I would be. . He is an amazing God he is here to pick us up and heal us.  I will post a few: Chris F, Cathy, Teri  C, Teri M and family, Melissa, Jimmy, J & M, EWMS and HS teachers, students of the HS and middle school, neighbors, Pastor R and J, church family, Mom, Joyce, Aunt Marge and Uncle George, Tom, Mark Mike and Matt and their families,  Lisa, Phil Mell Richard and Bethany,mike,  Anna, Joe and Carol, All my coworkers , and  the list goes on and on. thank you all for being my ROCKS.


         As the days go on the ROCKS that are in my life help me to build a stone wall of faith, strength and love. You get me through the hard times and I thank you all for that.

 Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

take me on a ride on the big green tractor

We love our country music our whole family.

We took N and her sisters to the Jason Aldene concert for her 15th birthday

It was a great night.   Lots of people we will never not get seats for his show again.  Lots of drunk young adults having a good time listening to some good ole country music. It was an experience. The girls had a blast what a why to celebrate. N loved the song Big Green tractor, his whole album.  I just have to turn on the country music and the great memories just flood back to me.  After N's accident her dad made a tribute to her as you will seen in the bottom picture.

  We had some old tractor tires here at our home and they fit perfectly into our front garden. A little John Deere Paint and they look like new.  For Christmas we even lit them up with green lights to honor our baby girl.  The little things help us get by. Something to look at to remind us she is with us always.  There is another song of Jason Aldene's that really took on a new meaning Tattoos On  This  Town.  N really did make some lasting impressions  like tattoos.  She will be in the hearts of many, she was a true country girl with a great spirit.  Her smile could light up the room.   Her friends put up a Facebook account called RIP Nicole Weed  1693 people signed up. So many nice stories and  tributes to a girl taken to soon.  For a 15 year old she really did make an impact on many kids and adults  lives.   More to follow........................

Big day for R 1-9-2013 Braces OFF

These are the two pictures of the days the girls got their braces off. I remember when N got hers off she was beaming, and as we can see by the pictures so was R.  N had them on two years and was able to get them off for 8th grade graduation she was so happy. R had hers on for a little longer 2.5 years, she was so ready to have them come off.  Now to get E's off they said early spring, and beam she did in the chair. E only has top braces so hers were not on as long as the girls.  July to maybe April, then we will have the self of E with beautiful white straight teeth.  The retainer will come in  another week for R.   wearing retainer = straight teeth  = priceless.  Love their smiles.   Love my girls.

Good Morning...New to Blogging

So I went out with some pretty amazing friends yesterday. Even though we have not seen  each other in many months it was like riding a bike. We met through our daughters gymnastics and made some life long friends.  I dreamt the night before our meeting about going grey my hair needing to be colored not sure why my hair doesn't grow out a lot of greys it is starting though. Thought N took all my grey to Heaven but that was a fluke it comes back. My friend Chris told me all about a blog called an inch of grey and this is what is getting me started writing my story.  It is an amazing blog about a family who lost there young son to tragedy.  Her blog was helping me as I read it and I felt that if I write It could help me too.    So like I said before Christmas and New Years came and went. I was letting myself go and not doing anything for ME.  So as of January 2nd I am doing for me, I am working have been since September.  Some days are worse then others.  I  am starting to do some ME time and get back to the gym.  I used to be a gym rat loving to go and then nothing,  I am certainly feeling it now.  I feel like I am 90 not able to move, my joints everything hurt.  Well after two weeks  I am feeling great. Went for a walk yesterday up the orchard and didn't need to stop every so often to catch my breath.   Baby steps is what I am doing. Every day I wake up with the reminder like  the movie ground hogs day. I wake up start my morning and BAMM  it hits you in the face. N is not going to come in and show me what she is wearing, I am not going to say you are wearing those pants to school. Instead I wake up BAMM thank God for my day, say Hi to Nicole try to remember my dreams, then start my day I hear R and E getting ready for school.  I see what  clothes they have picked out,  and don't really care that they are wearing sweats to school.  Comfort for learning, they are clean and happy.  I love them so much and I tell them everyday.  Hey that sounds like a song, I think it is.  But I truly do, My husband and I try to be the best parents and keep them safe.    Remember everyday is a gift enjoy  your day. 

The past six month

    I am not going to go back and reblog about everything that happened in the last 6 months. I am starting this blog from today  and how we are getting though the loss of our daughter. It helps to write and  talk about the accident and how we are doing. Each day brings new beginnings, new happenings and also sad feelings of missing the child you lost.  I do not like the phrase the new NORMAL, but that is what is. How to get through this journey without her and to keep her spirit alive. 

    This is our family, I can not believe that in another week it will be 6 months of a nightmare, that I keep trying to wake up from.   I know that she is not here and I understand it all but as a mom, I just think she is going to come around the corner. The last six months has been a blurr and I sometimes  seem like it was yesterday we  lost her other days it seems like a lifetime ago. The people came to help our friends and family, My brother from Idaho was here which seemed like it took him only hours and my sister in law.  They were our rocks.  We had to come home to tell her sisters.  One day E told me she didn't believe us when we told her she thought we were kidding.  We are living something that no parent should even live through this is not supposed to happen. She had her  whole life a head of her.   Pastor was so good and helpful.  I do not know where  we would be right now without our faith.  God didn't do this and I know he is here to pick us up and help us.   Not a day goes by that I do not think of my baby girl.   Our two girls R and E are amazing I took them to art therapy and family therapy  which really helped them.  I talk to them about how she is not in the ground that her soul is in Heaven and with us always.  We stayed close with the children including them in  the decisions that needed to be made. They  were with us through everything.  I love them so much.  Each day our life is  a roller coaster. We have our good days and our bad. Mondays now take on a whole new meaning, that is the  day N died.

     My husband and I have been blessed with three wonderful daughters.  N only had 15 years with us and she touched so many lives in her short time on this earth. She always had a smile.  So many children from school told me how special she was and that she would talk to her and made them feel special when no one else would.  Oh how I miss her smile and her being just a ha[[y kid.   R and E have grown up so much, if it was not for them I think I would stay in my bed in a ball.  I cry a lot, because I miss my baby so much. I know that she is in a place of no pain, no suffering, no hurt or hearth break  she only know LOVE. She is surrounded by all the ones that have gone before her.   

 

         I feel her wrapped around me from the time in the hospital to everyday she is wrapped around me like a shawl and I can feel her hugging me.  N comes in our dreams and I know she  shows us signs all the time. I know she is busy in Heaven helping others see the way and to help them.  Nicole wanted to be an eye doctor for children so she could help them see.  I know she is helping the children that  have gone to soon.  Showing them the way around Heaven. I see her with bright light all around her. She is our angel taken to soon. 

     The holidays  have come and gone.  As a nurse we never had big traditions because I work on holidays each year brought something new.  When R asked me about a Christmas card I said I wasn't doing one she asked Why we always do one. So we went out in front of Nicole's Tractor Wheel and took a great picture the girls put a christmas card together Faith, Hope and Peace was on the card. It was about the blessing we have.  It had been a very  tough road to travel and every day we travel the same road.  News Years came and January is almost over. the time just flys by so fast.

    I have always said to our children we love them every day and we always pointed our the sun sets and sun rises and took all that God has given us and truly was thankful.   Today I am blogging to help myself and hopefully maybe help another person going through the same thing.  I do not wish it on anyone.   Each day is a gift, it can all be taken in a split second. Do not take anything for granted and thank the Lord for all we have each day.  He is an amazing God.

Where do I start

So where do I start.   I am a mom of three beautiful daughters. Ages 15, 13, And 12. I am a wife, a mom, and a nurse.  I have the best girls a mom could ask for. My oldest daughter had just turned 15 on July 16th 2012. We had just come back from a great family vacation in Maine. The family went to a Jason Aldene concert for Nicole's birthday.  We were having the best summer and so was she. She and four friends had been having some fun with her best friends brother and his buddies.  Nicole would ride out on  the back of a dirt bike with a friend helmet and gear always on.  She was having a blast a little ride and then  the girls would watch the boys ride.  I went to work July 23rd, I am a labor and delivery nurse  working 12 hours.   At 715 pm Nicole called me said they were coming back in after a quick ride and have a cookout and one of the boys dad would bring her home.  She was so happy.  I told her I could pick you up.  She said no. I love you mom see you about 9pm.  I left work after a very busy day. as I was driving home and my best friend calls me I was almost home.  "Teri there has been an accident, " I screamed who was hurt, " it's Nicole come to #######'s house meet me there."   The ambulance was driving my daughter to the. Hospital.   I asked what happened no one would tell me.  No one would tell me if she was talking they said "there was blood from her ear."  I got to the hospital and she wasn't there yet but brought me to a room.  Driving to the hospital I prayed please be ok, God help my baby . The next thing I know I am in a room and a nurse came in to say my daughter was in cardiac arrest.  I could  not believe what she was saying.  NO i yelled hitting the wall continuing to pray. Lord please let her be OK. Bring her back to me.  They would not let me in the room,   I was devastated.  Praying banging the wall. I asked the nurse go to her  and tell my baby that her mom and dad love her we are not mad, and come back to us if you can.  I called my husband he was on his way.  I called the pastor.  The clergy that was there was not who I needed.  I needed our pastor.   The next thing I know they said I could  go see her.  I told them to stop no more she is gone.  My baby girl had died.  In a blink of an eye our life has changed forever.    How will I tell her dad who was in his way? How will we tell her sisters? July 23rd 7 days after Nicoles birthday Our Life will never be the same. I just started this blog so I think you will be getting me jumping around right now I can't go into all the specifics of the planning of the funeral the service and the days after I will in time  blog about that.  Right now it will be getting through the tough times the memories we have and the new memories we are making   The day to day struggles living on the roller coaster we call LIFE.   Everyone has a journey in life and this is ours.  Not what I expected, let the journey begin.